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When a couple has their first child, amazing changes take place. Unfortunately, one of those changes is often a reduction in intimacy. Babies take so much time and energy, that parents fall into bed each night exhausted with no interest or energy for anything but sleep. Evening conversations center on - and rarely stray from - the baby and parenthood. Eventually parents realize that much of the fun and spontaneity in their own relationship is gone. Although parenthood does require change, it does not have to mean the death of romance. Here are some tips for keeping the romance alive.
Exhaustion. The number one enemy of romance in parents is exhaustion. Even after the baby sleeps through the night, the day-to-day responsibility of caring for a small person can be draining. Despite this, you can schedule some closeness into even the most tiring day. Don't try to be super-parent. If some housekeeping has to slide, in order for you to have the energy to conversation, let it go. A clean house is no replacement for a warm relationship. Some parents feel the burden of financial responsibility acutely, and find themselves working longer hours to provide for the family. Unless money is really tight, consider this - the best thing you can provide for your children is parents who love each other and communicate daily. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't make you a bad parent to be tired and overwhelmed. You need to look after yourself and your spouse if you hope to do a proper job of looking after the children. Remember, a crying child doesn't HAVE to take precedence over everything else.
Make a space for adult time. With small children, this may mean feeding them before dinner so that Mom and Dad can concentrate on each other during the meal. It may also mean providing plenty of exercise for the young child during the day and then moving bed time forward by an hour to add an extra hour of private communication between you and your spouse. Although it's fine to chat about the children, make an extra effort to lead each conversation with talk about adult concerns and triumphs, before moving on to discussing the children's needs.
Never quit cuddling. Sometime, especially for stay-at-home moms, the constant physical contact with children satisfies the human need for contact. As a result, mom and dad may find themselves touching less. Also, it's hard to take a walk holding hands when you are pushing a stroller…but it can be done. Make time for contact in every day. Consider having some non-sexual cuddle time every night when you first go to bed. Even without talk, the physical closeness of a warm cuddle can do wonders for relaxing you for a good night's sleep. Plus, it's amazing how many things you can find to say in those last few moments before sleep.
Make a date. Depending on your finances and situation, make a date to spend time alone whenever you can. Some couples have a weekly date night, others only have it once a month, but that date time is important. Eating out or watching a movie without the concerns of parenting can be both personally refreshing and strengthening to your relationship. Away from the stress of parenting, any concerns can be discussed more openly and with less tension. Also, you will find that the stresses of parenting seem less overwhelming directly after a refreshing time away.
Never underestimate the power of a surprise. When you can't schedule long times alone, you can still offer your relationship little refreshers every day. Make a call just to say, "I love you" or bring home a little gift. Even something as small as a single carnation or a favorite snack says "I thought about you today." Try to write a love note every week, telling your spouse specific things you appreciate…as you write these notes; it will help you remember your love as well.
Romance with children is not just like romance without them, but those early parenting years can still be a time of building between husband and wife. It just takes a little effort and planning - but those efforts are well worth it. Some day when the "empty nest" leaves you and your spouse alone again, you will have the warm close relationship between you to look forward to.
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